Open Marriage

My husband and I have had an open marriage in the past. After a 6 month separation we rejoined and (I had thought) became exclusive for almost two years now. My husband has recently started seeing and sleeping with another woman and I have gone from rage to wrenching agony from moment to moment. He claims he had thought is was ok but I feel betrayed and horribly jealous. Now, after twelve years together and three children in tow we are divorcing so that he can be the "satyr" that he claims to be inside. He claims that the passion is gone in our marriage and all that I can do is sob ... I had no idea, this seemed to happen so fast. I at first initiated the divorce idea, because I couldn't bear the pain at this time in my life, but now ... I don't want him to go. He can have his mistresses and what have you, but I fear it is too late. He claims that it is too late. How do I get through this? We are both twenty-nine and the mistress is eighteen. I am heartbroken, but I love him and accept him for who he is and needs to be, I just don't think he really believes that and the mistress is convinced that he is hers forever ... please advise as best you can. Please ... is there any hope for us?

Your story saddened me. It is difficult to understand how so much love can cause so much pain. From what you described, your situation sounds more like a communication and intimacy problem within your marriage rather than a poly issue. I encourage you to take a deep look at what you expect from a marriage and what you are and are not willing to compromise. After you are completely honest with yourself, be honest with your partner. If the two of you can not come to an agreement then you need to be prepared to take care of yourself (and your children). A trained therapist can help.

Rabekah, there is always hope. When two (or more) people are committed to making a relationship work it has a fighting chance. Understand, however, that you only have control of your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors- not his. He may not agree with you, and you won't be able to force him. In fact, to attempt to do so may leave you even more distressed.

Jealousy offers a variety of powerful emotions. These feelings should be examined one at a time to understand better your own situation and issues. This may be helpful for you to gain strength in dealing with this current issue and prepare for potential future relationships.

During a time like this it is important to have people in our lives with whom we can emote and think with. Family, friends, and other loved ones may be helpful as well as trained counselors and therapists. I encourage you to seek out resources to help you cope and make healthy decisions for yourself.