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A wonderful book for anyone with questions about divorce - written by Alex Robboy's mother :)
How to have good sex
She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not
by Lancie Mazza Martin, LCSW
Dear Lancie,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 11 months. Our
relationship started off extremely sexual. We would have sex on a frequent
basis. It was a relationship that I felt was going very well. The relationship wasn't totally based on sex. We found that we were two very
interesting people and that we had a lot in common. I instantly fell in
love with her and the sex was really good. We continued this way for about two months and then we had to leave each,
as we are college students and summer break had come. I felt that this
would be the real test to our relationship, but we made it through. She lives three hours away from me but I would visit and we would have the
greatest of times. And yes the sex was still really good. Well
summer break ended and we got back to school.We picked up right where things
left off. Hanging out and having sex on a steady basis. Then about a
week into school she totally stopped wanting me to touch her. Sex was cut
down to once a week or longer. I got upset and couldn't understand why she
had turned me off so abruptly. She gave me excuses like that we were
having sex so much because it was just the "honeymoon" period in our
relationship. On top of that, she stopped pleasuring me. She always
asked me to pleasure her, whether it be orally or with my hand, but when I would
ask she would give me some excuse.
When we started this relationship I told her that I was a sexual person.
I like sex. I have told her about how I feel and have asked her why our relationship has changed. She tells me that I should be happy with what I
get because people in marriages don't have sex for months.
I feel that I do so much for her, yet she won't provide this little act
that I ask for. She doesn't seem willing to change and I am left hurting.
What do I do? Any advice that you can give me would be most appreciated. Sincerely, Sleepless Without Sex.
Dear Sleepless Without Sex,
It is always hard to give advice when I am only hearing one side of the story,
but I will do my best with what you have given me. There has been an
observe difference in your girlfriends behavior and this is what we must focus
on. According to you, nothing in the relationship has changed other than
your sex life, or has it? Ask yourself the following questions; am I
treating her with the same amount of love and respect? Have I changed in
some way since the summer break?
If you can honestly answer yes to the first question and no to the second, then
something within your partner has definitely changed.
There is such a thing as a “honeymoon” period in most relationships.
This is the time when you cannot get enough of each other. For some
couples this includes heightened sexual desires, emotional preoccupation, and
often believing your partner can do no wrong. Having acknowledged this
phenomenon let me say I do not think this is the cause for the change in your
relationship.
From your description of your girlfriend, it appears one of two things has
happened, either she had a traumatic experience over the summer (possibly her
parents separated, or it may have been sexual) or she is not as taken with you
as you might want to believe. I am in no way a mind reader, but the sudden
changes in your sex life leads me to conclude this relationship has undergone a
dramatic change that you are not tuned into.
So, what advice can I give you? Take a long hard look at what might have
led up to the deterioration in your overall relationship. If your
girlfriend is struggling with some issue (other than sex) that she has not
shared with you, attempt to find out what is going on. However, if her
feelings for you have some how changed and she continues to treat you with out
the respect you deserve, than I suggest you move on.
Remember sex is often an indicator of how close two people feel to one another.
If you are feeling hurt and unappreciated, than there is a deeper problem than
just your sex life, that is coming between you and your girlfriend.
Lancie Martin Mazza, LCSW
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Feel free to submit your questions to Lancie Martin Mazza at lancie@howtohavegoodsex.com
